Next Year’s Bi News

This originally appeared in BCN issue 115.

The first (that I have seen) market research about the buying habits of bisexuals has been published in the USA. In the fine traditional comedic trope, I hereby present the next 12 months’ bi news.

October.  With polls still close in the Presidential election, and polling showing bis split 12:1 in his favour, Barack Obama railroads the “Bis Vote Twice” bill through Congress.  The plan comes unstuck in November when bisexuals with a clear preference are nonetheless given the chance to vote both ways.

November.  Prof Debunked of the Dodgy Research University publishes his latest findings about bisexuality.  He explains that subjects were shown gay and straight porn on different smartphones while sensors attached to their genitalia recorded whether that type of phone was doing it for them.

December.  The New York Times retracts its “iPhoneite, Androidite or lying” headline admitting the findings related more to how attractive the research assistant looked in a white lab coat.

January.  Apple announce their response to the findings that bisexuals are more likely to buy £100 android phones than functionally-similar £400 iPhones. “Clearly the problem is in our marketing feeling excluding to bi people,” says a spokesPad, “and so we will be updating our rainbow striped apple logo to include a pink stripe next to the purple and blue ones.”  The new biPhone will cost just £75 extra, and is to be available in five shades of purple.

February.  Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne slaps 20% VAT on Valentines cards purchased by bisexuals, thus milking the Purple Pound for all it is worth.  “Woody Allen told me the bisexuals have twice the chance of a date on Friday night, and that means they must be buying twice as many Valentines cards” he explains in an emergency budget statement.

Stung by Apple’s cornering of the bi market, Google releases a customised version of its phone operating system called pandroid.

March.  Not to be outdone by cheap pandroids, Apple launch the new biPhone2, with an extra button that speed-dials the complaints department at Stonewall. A new app for smartphones lets biphobic people automatically block calls from biPhones.

April.  After the quarterly economic figures reveal the valentines card ruse failed to raise a single extra penny, on account of the bis all being far too busy playing on their biPhones to remember to send one another cards, George Osborne goes on television to explain the policy only failed because he’d forgotten there was no such thing as a bisexual.

May.  Apple takes Google to court over pandroid phones, claiming they are a blatant rip-off of the biPhone.  Google’s lawyers defend the clear and vast difference between the two: “it is not just another word for the same thing. The pandroid phones are a touchscreen with a suffusion of purple, whereas biPhones are a suffusion of purple with a touchscreen”.

June.  Concerned that it is missing out on the purple pound and that the bi- and pan- prefixes have already been snapped up, Microsoft launches Windows Mobile Omnishambles.  Following the flop of a youtube ‘viral’ ad campaign where Gerald Ratner observes “people ask me how Microsoft can sell a phone this cheap, and I say: it’s because it’s total cr… er, totally purple” it is reviewed as both completely unusable and the best implementation of Windows yet.

July.  At a star-studded television awards ceremony, the heads of Sky, BBC and Virgin make a joint statement on the findings that 73% of bi women and 44% of bi men regularly see biphobia in the mainstream media. They pledge to make the negative portrayal of bi men that bit more obvious to help the boys catch up.

August.  Despite the market research claims of a year earlier, sales figures of biPhone, pandroid and omnishambles handsets reveal the purple pound to be as yet a myth and the bisexual community resolves to go back to taking all research about itself with a pinch of salt.

September.  Market research work begins to find out what kind of salt bisexuals find most reassuring.
This originally appeared as a post on Jen’s blog